The rollercoaster and the screen

(2019)

During the cold winter days, I stare at my computer screen, protected by the cool AC and the interior of all these man-made walls around me. Sometimes I wanna break them, make them all disappear but then I think how cold it would be. I digress... Happy that I have a new coat; random thoughts without connection flow in my head. I try to focus on the screen, it's there but I'm not really seeing it. Well, I am but not with the eyes, I would like to. Yes, they are my eyes but I'm not really there. I see myself from far, in the third person. I see someone, sitting in a fairly straight posture, but not too straight, pretending that he is happy with what he is doing. I float around, still from far, and stare at that someone from behind the screen. I see boredom in him and what boredom that is ... I then refocus, first-person again, need to get some work done. I derive some vague satisfaction from it but it quickly fades... I lack stimulus and there is nothing new for me here - all the stuff on my screen just looks blank and empty to me. The brief connection I made with myself starts to crumble again.

Suddenly, my phone vibrates, my attention is captured. A text from the one I love - serotonin rising, adrenaline pumping, I feel awake. I decide to stand up and make tea, an excuse to hide and secretly respond. I don't have to respond but the excitement is too great and I want to. She brightens my day like an emotional rollercoaster and for that brief moment of bliss I can't see myself from far, I feel whole again. We briefly chat and time flies ... all until the pressures of society make me get back to the screen. After all, it makes me money somewhat, isn't that what most want, a material reward for their work? I guess most ... I don't like pretending to be different but I feel so. Sometimes I loathe the society we have built but what would I be without it? I try to find distractions in my thoughts but the screen drags my hours. Like a puppet, I finish some of my tasks while I sip on my tea, and I almost feel productive.

In these moments of boredom, I eagerly await another text, another dose of her. I've always hated rollercoasters but I'm happy to ride this one. A break from the monotony of the work that I once (briefly) enjoyed and which quickly lost its feeling of novelty. This rollercoaster is different, it feels infinite, and I don't get enough of it. A coworker asks for my help and I put on the persona, that "other" while I watch from far. But the other is me and I am him. I feel enclosed in this strange trap. For most, I should just be happy with what I have but I feel almost neurotic as I overthink... The long day goes by and I ride the train home. In these train journeys of introspection, I sometimes write away my thoughts. I feel liberated somehow but tired, and she is far away from me.

Realizing my own space and time have fully been warped, I get home, slowly open the door and go to my room. Still overthinking, still frustrated, still tired. I watch the clock tick with its constant rhythm without doing anything. Until, as if the forces of nature knew I needed it, the phone rings and she is calling. We talk for long, I laugh, she restored my lost faith in love. The happy moment brings me clarity and a sudden energy grows inside me - I ride her rollercoaster again with a huge smile on my face. The clouds gone from my mind, almost as if I had meditated, help me reach that final thought: it is time to change my screen.